NFL Season Predictions

Despite the fact that I'll probably be wrong, and that I doubt any one really cares how I think the NFL standings will shake out this year, these predictions are pretty easy posts to write. Anything where sentences are optional can't be too difficult, after all.

NFC East
1. Dallas Cowboys - Wade Phillips may neither be as fat nor as good a coach as Parcells, but they have great talent on both sides of the ball.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (Wild Card) - Old news. Good despite injury prone players and no big name receivers.

3. Washington Redskins - They can definitely make it to 9-7 and challenge the Eagles. The defense looks like it will be back, so maybe...

4. New York Giants - With Tiki gone, has the annoying streak of UVA girls picking the Giants as their "favorite" team finally ended?

NFC South
1. New Orleans Saints - The Colts of the NFC will make me glad for NFL Replay.

2. Carolina Panthers (Wild Card) - Heir to the Seahawks' throne of being impossible to predict.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Free from the poor playcalling of my fantasy team's offensive coordinator, Cadillac scores more than one touchdown this season!

4. Atlanta Falcons - Coaches who wish they still had Matt Schaub: Bobby Petrino and Al Groh.

NFC North
1. Chicago Bears - Without Thomas Jones and a consistent QB, they look likely to fall victim to the Superbowl loser's letdown. But who else can you confidently pick here?

2. Detroit Lions - The offense could break out in a division that has little.

3. Green Bay Packers - I'm still upset about that stupid illegal motion call at FedEx in 2005.

4. Minnesota Vikings - Long ago, a crazed blogger picked this team to go to the Superbowl. He was later eaten by wolves.

NFC West
1. San Francisco 49ers - They've upgraded more than anyone in this anyone's game division, and they'll get the added bonus of playing a third-place team's schedule.

2. St. Louis Rams - Destined for some shootout classics against the offenses of their fellow NFC Westerners.

3. Seattle Seahawks - I'm probably insane for putting them here, but if there's a division where last year's champ doesn't make the playoffs, it's this one.

4. Arizona Cardinals - A trendy pick, but I think it'll be a while before wearing a Cardinals jersey becomes trendy as well.

AFC East
1. New England Patriots - They had a Redskins-like offseason, but this team often wins champions in-season as well.

2. New York Jets - Is it me, or do they seem like pretty much the most average team in the league?

3. Miami Dolphins - Nice to meet you Cam Cameron, I'm Kize Kiser.

4. Buffalo Bills - Just as their offense starts to come around, their defense weakens.

AFC North
1. Baltimore Ravens - Is the reason they struggle on offense at times that the defense limits their time of possession in practice?

2. Cincinnati Bengals (Wild Card) - I started liking Carson Palmer a lot less once I heard Mike and Mike call him today's Aikman.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers - Is Roethisberger the guy you want at the helm of a pass-heavy offense? Maybe.

4. Cleveland Browns - If their offense doesn't get better this year, they've got coaching problems.

AFC South
1. Indianapolis Colts - How did Tony Dungy get such a great fantasy team? Addai, Harrison, and Peyton???

2. Houston Texans - Every UVA girl's new favorite team.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars - They cut their incumbent starting quarterback the week before the season starts. Cold blooded!

4. Tennessee Titans - Good thing Vince can run the ball, because I'm not sure he has anyone to throw to. Or hand off to, now that I think about it.

AFC West
1. San Diego Chargers - So good, even a Norv could coach 'em.

2. Denver Broncos (Wild Card) - We'll see if completely undermining Jake Plummer's confidence by drafting Jay Cutler was worth it.

3. Kansas City Chiefs - I wanted the Redskins to go after Damon Huard last year, until I found out he was 35.

4. Oakland Raiders - They really aren't that far away from being good. (In case you can't tell, I wasn't being sarcastic.)

Super Bowl: They call it The Curse of the Curse of the Bambino. Patriots fans haven't seen their team win the Super Bowl since the year the Red Sox last won the World Series. This year, it'll be a battle of the "New"s, but when England faces Orleans the result will be anything but.

ACC Football Season Predictions

Atlantic Division

1. Boston College - 10-2 (6-2)
They've got what most teams in the conference don't--a quarterback!

2. Clemson - 9-3 (5-3)
In second despite a win over BC at home, but thanks to a win over FSU on Labor Day.

3. Florida State - 7-5 (5-3)
The Seminoles can restructure their coaching staff all they want, it still won't get them a reliable QB on the field.

4. Wake Forest - 7-5 (4-4)
Last year's champs were largely senior-driven.

5. NC State - 6-6 (3-5)
The first rule of college sports is that you can't be good in both basketball and football. And Sidney Lowe's team is on the rise.

6. Maryland - 3-9 (1-7)
They got sooooooooo lucky last year.

Coastal Division

1. Virginia Tech - 9-3 (6-2)
They could win the national championship if the BCS decides to include misplaced sentimentality in its formula this year.

2. Miami - 8-4 (6-2)
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that they'll have a fast defense.

3. Virginia - 8-4 (4-4)
Ok, fine. To make up for this horrible out-of-conference schedule, we'll play our first game in 2008 against USC. Chances are it won't be in January, though.

4. Georgia Tech - 7-5 (4-4)
By losing Reggie Ball, they actually get better at quarterback. However, they get worse at having guys for him to throw to.

5. North Carolina - 4-8 (2-6)
They're going to start the climb to the top, but they're really far down the hill.

6. Duke - 2-10 (1-7)
Last year's win total multiplied by infinity!

ACC Championship Game
Boston College over Virginia Tech

UVA Football Season Predictions

How to sum up the outlook for UVA's season? 10 returning starters from last year's great defense (and #11 Vic Hall is probably the fastest guy on the team) and a consistent starter at QB (As strange as it sounds, can you name 3 ACC quarterbacks better than him?) will translate to the following:

9/1 at Wyoming - W
Wyoming had the No. 8 ranked defense in the country last year. You think it had something to do with the fact that they got to face Christian Olsen?

9/8 Duke - W
Time to get revenge for basketb---oh, wait. Nevermind.

9/18 at North Carolina - W
In two years, Butch Davis might have this team looking like Miami, but for now they'll more closely resemble the Browns.

9/23 Georgia Tech - W
The last time the Jackets won in C-ville, Michael Keaton was Batman.

9/29 Pittsburgh - W
This year's Pitt is worse than the one that gave us a beatdown last year, and that one wasn't even really that good.

10/6 at Middle Tennessee State - W
The bitter rivalry continues! Cavaliers versus...um...Middle Tennesseeans?

10/13 Connecticut - W
Holy moley, the Wahoos are 7-0! But have they played anybody? (No.)

10/20 at Maryland - L
The first loss hits hard in an "upset" by a struggling Maryland team. They always bring their A-game against us at home.

10/27 at NC State - L
Despite the Cavs' clear superority and experience, it's another ACC road loss for Al Groh. Tom O'Brien's re-energizing of the Wolfpack program will have kicked in by now.

11/3 Wake Forest - W
Groh vs. Grobe in a tight defensive struggle in which the UVA alum coaching at home will prevail.

11/10 at Miami - L
It's the final game in the Orange Bowl, and the Canes' pathetic fan base will be in full force to create their usual quiet, non-hostile environment once more for old times sake. But the U won't forget what The U...niversity did to them last year.

11/17 Bye
11 straight games without a week off? Who came up with this idea? Posters on The Sabre get an extra week to talk about nothing but the Tech game.

11/24 Virginia Tech - L
I don't want to talk about it.

Final record: 8-4 (4-4 ACC)

Keep on Rockin' in the End Zone

100 years ago, the idea of having a marching band at a college football game was innovative. Today, it stands as a time-honored tradition, meaning that a few schools do it well and the rest mindlessly copy them with their own watered-down versions. At UVA, the marching band adds nothing of significance other than helping to present the lamest pre-game ceremony in all of sport--Flags of the ACC.

It's about time that collegiate athletics returned to the cutting edge and gave us something original in the music department. Fans in the 1920's who gathered 'round the phonograph to listen to big band music were probably thrilled to see the same thing at their local football competition, but today's tastes demand something of a different flavor. That's why The Kize is dying to see a major college sports program adopt the use of a live rock band.

Think about the possibilities. A squealing guitar riff blaring out over the crowd after a crucial third down conversion. Tonight at halftime: the music of Pearl Jam. Led Zepplin's Immigrant Song pumping everyone up to get loud on defense. The home fans mockingly singing along the chorus "Soy un perdedor" as their bitter rivals come out of the locker room. Bring in a horn section for some classic rock, or plug in the synthesizer for the School Fight Song (Moby remix).

And to top it all off? The lead singer in a Jimi Hendrix outfit, setting fire to the flags of the ACC.

While I was there, just for a few minutes, I actually messed with Texas.

His marital plans dashed, The Kize decided to use his planned week of vacation to visit his old college buddy Dave Theisz. Dave is a Naval officer stationed in Corpus Christi, Texas, which is about a two-hour drive from San Antonio, where Pace Picante Sauce is made by folks who know what picante should taste like. WTM Kize has emerged from its hibernation to share with you the following observations and anecdotes from that trip:

• The George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, the site of one of my many transfers during the journey from C-ville to Corpus, is easily the most confusing airport I've ever been to. Democrats, feel free to insert an Iraq joke here. Like many major airports, IAH has several terminals that you must ride a shuttle to get back and forth between. Unlike other airports, you've got to leave the secure area to get to this shuttle, meaning that you've got to go back through a security checkpoint to get to your plane.
  
  Added to that hassle was the fact that the airport couldn't have been less clear as to which gate my flight to Corpus Christi was leaving from. It seemed to randomly sometimes appear on the large "Departures" video screens and sometimes not. And when it did show up, sometimes the actual gate number wasn't included. When I finally got to the correct gate (as directed by Continental Airlines staff), the destination of another flight was posted there instead of mine.
  
  
  
• Dave was quick to tell me about Texans' exaggerated sense of pride about their home state. Everything's bigger in Texas, you know. I got to witness this firsthand, during my conversation about football with a cab driver. He was insistent that Houston's Reliant Stadium was the biggest in the NFL (it's around 20,000 seats smaller than FedEx Field, the real biggest). He also informed me that a Superbowl between the Cowboys and the Texans would be the biggest ever, because Dallas and Houston have a bigger rivalry than New York and L.A., since each one wants to prove that it's the "biggest city" in the "biggest state." So, you can imagine how fierce the Juneau-Sitka, Alaska rivalry must be.
  
  
  
• As soon as I realized that I was going to be just two hours from San Antonio while Game 2 of the NBA Finals was being played, I checked eBay to see how much tickets would be. I found some that were pretty affordable, so Dave and I made plans to drive up for the game. Sadly, the Navy called Dave away on his ship at the last minute, meaning that he'd have to miss the game and that I'd have to find a way to San Antonio.
  
  So, I called up Enterprise Rent-A-Car, and soon enough I was heading up a Texas highway by myself in an SUV with an extra NBA Finals ticket. As I figured it, I had three options to take with the ticket. A) I could see what I could sell it for; B) I could try to trade my two tickets for one in a better seat; or C) I could find a cute girl looking for a ticket in the parking lot and take her to the game. Despite the many encouragements from friends and family I talked to on the phone to take Option C, I ended up trading my two tickets to a guy for some money and a slightly better seat.
  
  
  
• It's a pretty strange feeling to be at a big game like the NBA Finals and not have a team to root for. First of all, it allows you to objectively see how weird being a sports fan can make a person look. I spent almost the entire first quarter thinking that the guy sitting next to me was an obnoxious jerk, until I realized that he was acting exactly like I do at a UVA game. Secondly, not rooting for the home team really makes you feel like you're a fan of the visiting team, even if you're not. When I got up to leave, I told the guy next to me "good game." As if his team had just beaten mine. I have no idea why I said that!
  
  
  
• Now that I've been to the NBA Finals, I realize how well UVA puts on a game at the John Paul Jones Arena. It really is an NBA level experience. Our starting lineups for the regular season (with the pyrotechnics and flames displayed on the ribbon board) are actually cooler than what the Spurs did for their Finals game (basically, they just turned out the lights and shined a spotlight on the team). And the halftime show was actually an act that UVA had at a game earlier this year. The one, the only Red Panda Acrobat.
  
  
  
• If you've ever wondered why the characters in movies and TV shows seem so confused when they go into a hall of mirrors, it's because it's really hard to find your way around in one.
  
  
  
• I experienced my first bit of airline delay when my plane back to Charlottesville had to remain in a holding pattern for an hour while a thunderstorm near the airport ran its course. The worst part of the whole ordeal was the lady one row back from me, whose flight earlier in the day had been cancelled and who was now complaining non-stop. When someone asked her if she lived in Charlottesville, she snapped back, "No! I don't think I could stand the hassle of getting here!" Good point, lady. It is a real pain to wake up every morning in Charlottesville and then fly into Charlottesville. I don't know why I do it!
  

And that pretty much sums up Texas. Thanks to Dave for having me out there!