The TV Lover's Code

As a growing number of people come to discover the glory of continuity-based television series such as Alias and 24, it seems that there is also a growing percentage of these viewers who develop a number of reckless habits regarding these shows. In an age of Internet and entertainment as big business, there exist many tempting methods of spoiling a plot. So that you may guard yourself against such harmful practices, I have written the following guide to maintaining suspenseful plotline integrity. If you value your television-watching experience, take heed.

Rule #1: Do Not Watch Next Week's Previews!
The biggest mistake a fan of plot twists and suspense can make is to watch the network's preview of next week's episode. As tempting as this may be, especially following cliffhanger episodes, there is no quicker way to suck the life out of a show. Remember, Fox, ABC, and the others value ratings higher than your actual enjoyment of their programs, therefore they won't hesitate to reveal next week's most climactic moment in a preview if they think it could grab them a few more viewers. If these people had designed the preview poster for The Empire Strikes Back, it would have had the tagline "Luke, I am your father."

Between Alias and 24, such betrayals of viewership have been numerous. From Ira Gaines' demand that Jack Bauer shoot his partner Nina, to Arvin Sloane's revelation that he had an affair with Irina Derevko, several of the most dramatic moments in television over the past few years have been ruined by blabbermouth previews. Keep in mind that while it may be fun to catch a glimpse of an episode's pivotal moments a week in advance, it is far more exciting to see such moments occur as their writers intended them, in context following an appropriate build-up.

Rule #2: Always Be Ready to Shield Yourself from a Preview if Necessary
Though you can always easily turn the channel or switch off the TV before the standard post-episode preview, you never know when a network will slip in a preview during the week prior to an episode's airing. Whether it be a football game or The Simpsons, no hour on TV is safe. Therefore, you must be vigilant when watching other programs on a network that carries your favorite show. The best thing to do in these situations is to leave the room or change the channel as soon as you realize a preview is starting. If you are in a social situation where this is not possible, simply close your eyes and cover your ears until the standard preview length of 30 seconds has passed, then explain to your friends the importance of purity in savoring each installment of Alias, 24, or other ongoing show of your choice.

Rule #3: Do Not Talk About What Happened in Previews You Have Seen
If you accidentally see a preview or are so bold as to ignore Rules 2 and 3, do not under any circumstances make reference to the contents of said preview in the company of your fellow fans. Just because you like ruining 24 for yourself doesn't mean that your friend wants to know that next week Michelle will return to CTU or that Marwan will scour the wreckage of Air Force One for the nuclear football.

Rule #4: Ease into Your Conversations about Last Night's Episode
As much as we love our shows, sometimes an important event like a UVA basketball game prevents us from watching them on their designated night. If you see an Alias watcher sign onto AIM at 10:30 on a Wednesday night, don't immediately exclaim to him, "Wasn't that Sloane duplicate awesome?!?!?" Your friend might have missed the episode and plans on watching a tape later on. Instead, open with a non-revelatory question like, "What did you think of Alias?" or simply, "Did you watch?"

Rule #5: Avoid Reading Reports of Actors' Contracts
The entertainment news media loves to publish stories about what actors have struck what deals to appear on what shows. As harmless as this might seem, it can turn out to spell doom for those who want to keep their plot twists involving surprise character appearances under wraps. Months ago, it was reported that Dennis Haysbert had signed on to appear in 6 episodes of the 4th season of 24. As anyone who has ever seen the show knows, this signalled the return of David Palmer, the former president who resigned at the end of last season, and the advance news sapped all shock value from Palmer's appearance in Monday's episode.

And finally...
Rule #6 (exclusively for those of you who wait until the following year to watch 24, Alias, or Lost on DVD):
Don't read this blog.

My Friends' Blogs: Addendum

A couple friends of mine started blogs in the past week too late to be included in the power rankings. So, out of fairness, I'm including links to both.

The Aderall Sessions (Derek Mondeau)
An all-purpose blog (pop culture, sports, religion, life). Won me over with a poop joke in the first post.

The Power of Common Sense (Brian Kirby)
Opinions on politics and interesting links. And you can bet there'll be some posts about the Baltimore Ravens come September.

Power Rankings: My Friends' Blogs

It's power rankings time again, folks, and this go 'round, I'm ranking my friends' blogs. That's right, I have the audacity to take the blogs my friends work so hard to write and put them in a list ordered according to how I rate them. I didn't even have the guts to give numbered rankings to my top 5 comic books in my post on that topic last month, yet here I am recklessly doing that very thing to people I know and like.

Chances are, if you're my friend and you have a blog, then I enjoy reading it...so consider your appearance here a compliment regardless of where you fall in the rankings.

The criteria were as follows: Writing style; Informative Value; Entertainment Value; and Frequency of Updates. (Yes, I know that last one is a clear case of the Kize calling the kettle black). Also, I only considered "amateur" blogs. That is, if you write for a blog that gets wide public recognition and is currently creating ripples throughout Virginia's political landscape, you weren't considered for the list.

1. The Essential Joe Morse
   The tagline for this blog reads, "Brilliant Insights From Your Friend Joe," and that's a pretty accurate description. From sports, to politics, to music, to life, Joe rarely has an uninteresting take on a topic. I highly suggest playing a game of Unpredictably Imminent History with yourself. The only flaw here is an occasional long wait between postings, but this is partially made up for by having 2-3 posts per update.
   
   
2. The Red Stater (Chris Rivera)
   Otherwise known as the hardline conservative's guide to political thinking. This blog earns points purely for updating on a near daily basis, and it almost always provides links to recent news stories or conservative articles about recent political issues. Though I would like to see a more frequent departure from by-the-book conservative opinions, Chris would be betraying himself to do so.
   
   
3. Hail to the Cheat (Kyle Goggin)
   Yeah, it's mainly just a personal update site of no interest to anyone who isn't friends with Kyle, but within those boundaries it does its job wonderfully. It's easy to call for more frequent updates, but it should also be appreciated that this blog doesn't go overboard with nonessential details like some personal blogs do. What would really be nice to see is another piece of pop culture analysis, along the lines of "24 and the Great Commission."
   
   
4. The Last Nerve (Linden Kiser)
   A blog with a future, this one will surely jump in the rankings once it has more than 2 posts to its name. So far, Last Nerve has been a successful mix of humor and political commentary (within the same posts, even), though I suspect that comedy will eventually come to play a larger role...espeically if the author's hilarious guest posts on Quotidian were any indication.
   
   
5. Ahmad for America (Ali Ahmad, now inactive)
   Dropped like a rock in the rankings after it was deleted by its creator. This was once a perfect blog representation of Ali Ahmad's in-your-face political ranting and sense of humor, and it was the blog I was reading when I decided to create my own. A tragedy that it now only exists in the memories of those who were fortunate enough to read it.
   
   
6. Pokemon Are The Best (Travis Oakes)
   What the---??!!??!? This is the worst blog on the entire Internet. Seriously, Trav, what are you thinking? Would it kill you to act non-gay for at least 2 seconds?
   

Movie Review: Frank Miller's Sin City

There's a fairly large subsection of comic book fandom who judges comic book movies on the basis of their literal adherence to the source material. For these fans, Sin City will in no doubt be considered the greatest achievement in modern American cinema. As advertised, the movie is a near page-by-page simulation of three of comic legend Frank Miller's Sin City stories (The Hard Goodbye, The Big Fat Kill, and That Yellow Bastard). This holds true not just visually, as indicated in the trailers, but in a verbatim carryover of dialogue from page to screen that renders co-director Robert Rodriguez's role as screenwriter to that of mere transcriptionist.

On the aforementioned visual level, Sin City triumphs. It's selective use of color to highlight significant character features against a black-and-white background is striking, and it also adds a lot to the dramatic and emotional weight of the film. For example, when tough guy Marv looks at Goldie, the woman he loves, we see the rareness of her beauty shown in color contrasted against the grim and grit that engulfs the grey Sin City, just as Marv sees her. In addition, the action sequences are fluid and thrilling, ranking right up there with comic movies' best. Highlights are the ferocious fighting style of psychotic cannibal Kevin brought to life in full creepiness, as well as the ruthless execution of a drunk chauvinist at the hands of hooker-assasin Miho.

It is in the movie's loyalty to Frank Miller's dialogue, however, where Sin City suffers. In the comic, Miller's narration read flawlessly, bringing you to the heart of despair that he intended his fictional city to be. Unfortunately, when spoken in the movie, many of these lines sound exactly as if the actors are simply reading them from the comic, occasionally without regard to where appropriate pauses or inflections should lie. We aren't accustomed to hearing live actors speak so quickly without wasted words, and it this efficiency of dialogue doesn't work so well in a live action context. Rodriguez and Miller would have been wiser to decompress the film's spoken lines, or at least to have instructed their actors to take a breath here and there. I feel that a less direct translation of speech from the comic would have resulted in a better representation of the comic's mood.

That being said, Sin City is a good movie, and it should be treasured as one of the few comic book movies that doesn't betray fans of the source comic in even the slightest way. Strangely enough, I think I would have been able to enjoy Sin City much more if I hadn't just recently read the comic versions, as I knew exactly when and how each sword swipe, gun blast, and electrocution was going to play out. I caught a glimpse of what my movie-viewing experience might have been like through my favorite scene, a short final sequence that never appeared in the comics which ties up one of the movie's loose ends in a particularly chilling manner.

Kize Grade: B+