The TV Lover's Code

As a growing number of people come to discover the glory of continuity-based television series such as Alias and 24, it seems that there is also a growing percentage of these viewers who develop a number of reckless habits regarding these shows. In an age of Internet and entertainment as big business, there exist many tempting methods of spoiling a plot. So that you may guard yourself against such harmful practices, I have written the following guide to maintaining suspenseful plotline integrity. If you value your television-watching experience, take heed.

Rule #1: Do Not Watch Next Week's Previews!
The biggest mistake a fan of plot twists and suspense can make is to watch the network's preview of next week's episode. As tempting as this may be, especially following cliffhanger episodes, there is no quicker way to suck the life out of a show. Remember, Fox, ABC, and the others value ratings higher than your actual enjoyment of their programs, therefore they won't hesitate to reveal next week's most climactic moment in a preview if they think it could grab them a few more viewers. If these people had designed the preview poster for The Empire Strikes Back, it would have had the tagline "Luke, I am your father."

Between Alias and 24, such betrayals of viewership have been numerous. From Ira Gaines' demand that Jack Bauer shoot his partner Nina, to Arvin Sloane's revelation that he had an affair with Irina Derevko, several of the most dramatic moments in television over the past few years have been ruined by blabbermouth previews. Keep in mind that while it may be fun to catch a glimpse of an episode's pivotal moments a week in advance, it is far more exciting to see such moments occur as their writers intended them, in context following an appropriate build-up.

Rule #2: Always Be Ready to Shield Yourself from a Preview if Necessary
Though you can always easily turn the channel or switch off the TV before the standard post-episode preview, you never know when a network will slip in a preview during the week prior to an episode's airing. Whether it be a football game or The Simpsons, no hour on TV is safe. Therefore, you must be vigilant when watching other programs on a network that carries your favorite show. The best thing to do in these situations is to leave the room or change the channel as soon as you realize a preview is starting. If you are in a social situation where this is not possible, simply close your eyes and cover your ears until the standard preview length of 30 seconds has passed, then explain to your friends the importance of purity in savoring each installment of Alias, 24, or other ongoing show of your choice.

Rule #3: Do Not Talk About What Happened in Previews You Have Seen
If you accidentally see a preview or are so bold as to ignore Rules 2 and 3, do not under any circumstances make reference to the contents of said preview in the company of your fellow fans. Just because you like ruining 24 for yourself doesn't mean that your friend wants to know that next week Michelle will return to CTU or that Marwan will scour the wreckage of Air Force One for the nuclear football.

Rule #4: Ease into Your Conversations about Last Night's Episode
As much as we love our shows, sometimes an important event like a UVA basketball game prevents us from watching them on their designated night. If you see an Alias watcher sign onto AIM at 10:30 on a Wednesday night, don't immediately exclaim to him, "Wasn't that Sloane duplicate awesome?!?!?" Your friend might have missed the episode and plans on watching a tape later on. Instead, open with a non-revelatory question like, "What did you think of Alias?" or simply, "Did you watch?"

Rule #5: Avoid Reading Reports of Actors' Contracts
The entertainment news media loves to publish stories about what actors have struck what deals to appear on what shows. As harmless as this might seem, it can turn out to spell doom for those who want to keep their plot twists involving surprise character appearances under wraps. Months ago, it was reported that Dennis Haysbert had signed on to appear in 6 episodes of the 4th season of 24. As anyone who has ever seen the show knows, this signalled the return of David Palmer, the former president who resigned at the end of last season, and the advance news sapped all shock value from Palmer's appearance in Monday's episode.

And finally...
Rule #6 (exclusively for those of you who wait until the following year to watch 24, Alias, or Lost on DVD):
Don't read this blog.